When the World Suddenly Feels More Dangerous

Being a mom, I have discovered that my emotions have heightened and my opinions of things have changed. Sometimes I'll get on Facebook, and as I scroll, everything on my feed is just absolutely horrifying. Babies being murdered by a caretaker or their own mothers. Children being abused at daycares. Foster children being abused physically, sexually, mentally; some even to the point that they've been murdered.

Things I knew happened as a child, but as an adult...as a mother...I never imagined it would happen at such alarming numbers. It is truly terrifying.

For a single working parent, I can't imagine the fear and anxiety of wanting to protect your child but having to work and not being able to keep your child with you. And you think you found a safe place for them. A person you trust to watch them, a daycare that has great reviews. And then the worst happens. An adult sits on your child, hits them, hurts them, and you weren't there to stop it. And as parents, we pay these people to watch our kids, expecting that our children are safe.

I'm not saying don't talk about these people because we, as a society...as parents need to. So we know who not to let watch our kids when we aren't around. To know that our children are actually safe. While it is hard for me to read about any of it, and I usually try to avoid it, we still need to know. But as a mother, it hits me hard. I see this stuff, and then I cry. I'll sit there in silence and watch my child on the monitor. Sleeping safely in the crib.

And my heart is in absolute knots.

Sad over the loss of these children. Anger at the people who hurt them. Disbelief in our justice system when it seems like the people who hurt these children aren't held accountable. Discontent over jobs that could easily allow a child to be near don't allow it. Annoyed with government officials who don't add your change child care policies to protect our children. And absolute guilt that my child is safe and loved while there is another child out there going through something absolutely horrific.

Guilt that I feel powerless to help. Guilt that there is absolutely nothing I can do.

Oh, I can blast people or places or policies on the internet all day long, but nothing will change. It's so easy to send a crying or angry emoji or a prayer comment, but what good does it really do? The damage is done.

I can sit here and think of a dozen different ways we could protect our children at daycares or with a babysitter.

I can sit here and say all public daycare workers should have a minimum of an Associate's in Early childhood education. That there should be 1 teacher for every 3-5 children. 2 adults per room. 2-3 pediatric nurses on a rotating schedule at every daycare. Cameras in every hallway, offices, gym, lunchroom, cafeteria, every classroom.

But I know it won't happen.

But maybe that's what motherhood changed in me.

The world didn't suddenly become more dangerous when I became a mother. I just started seeing the danger differently.

Before I had a child, I could read a story about something terrible happening to a child and think, That's horrible.

Now I read those same kinds of stories, and I think, That could have been my child.

And I think that's why they hit so much harder now. I don't think I'll ever be able to completely stop worrying about her. I don't think that's possible once you become a parent. But maybe instead of sitting here feeling completely powerless, there are things I can actually do.

I can pay attention.

I can ask questions.

I can research the people caring for my child.

I can pay attention to changes in her behavior.

I can teach her, as she gets older, that she can tell me when something doesn't feel right.

I can listen to her.

And I can keep learning.

I can't protect every child in the world. I can't undo what has already happened. I can't change every daycare policy or make every person who works with children a good person.

But I can protect the child who is mine.

And maybe that's where I need to focus my energy. Because sometimes I think motherhood makes you feel like you should be able to protect your child from absolutely everything.

And you can't.

That's probably one of the hardest things I've had to accept. I can do everything I can to keep my child safe, and there will still be things outside of my control. So yes, sometimes the world feels a lot more dangerous now. But maybe it's not because the world changed.

Maybe I did.

And maybe being more aware doesn't have to mean living in fear.

Maybe it means being informed, paying attention, asking questions, and doing everything I can to keep my little baby safe.

And then, when my baby is sleeping peacefully in their crib, I can watch them through that little monitor, take a breath, and remind myself that right now, my baby is safe.

And for tonight, that's enough.